This has been written though a male's eye. That is the
reason for usage of the male pronoun 'he' thoughout this book.
Notwithstanding this, the contents of this book apply both to
male and female children.
But this chapter for a change is meant especially for the
girl children who have more problems and more worries to carry,
considering the traditions by which most families are governed.
God has created females with an initial disadvantage, but
for an eventual advantage. What I refer to here is their
'beauty'.
Every girl child grows and blossoms into a beauty attracting
many especially from among the male group. It is this flower
that attracts many a bee that hang around every day, looking for
the taste of honey.
But unlike flowers, girls who give away the honey stand
condemned for ever in the eyes of our traditions and the
tradition minded people which is what the society is ultimately
composed of.
These days girls receive equal treatment with boys. They
get equal opportunities for going out of home, receiving
education, participating in social events, etc. Still there are
many girls who complain of parental controls for they are still
expected to return home by a particular time, they have to remain
accountable to parents especially to the mother and explain as to
where they went, whom they met, what happened there, etc. etc.
These many times irk the girl children and they feel presence of
'lack of trust' in the minds of parents, especially the mother.
Parents have their tensions and cannot say out plainly what they
have in their minds. They too are infact afraid that their
children should not mistake their questioning as 'lack of trust'.
They are on the other hand afraid that no 'accident' should take
place due to dangers that lurk around. This is in fact a con¬
flict situation where free communication does not take place
between parents and girl children.
Parents, in particular the mother, are by nature anxious
creatures. It is not that they don't trust their daughter. But
they are anxious that nothing untoward should take place. It is
this anxiety in their minds that makes them act like the
investigators.
An investigator is a person whose job it is to suspect any
one and anything. But his object is not to put any one into any
embarrassment or inconvenience. It is similar to the duty of a
watchman. Watchman is a person who has to look with suspicion
any one who approaches the premises he is guarding. He just
cannot afford to leave things to 'trust' and allow people free
access.
Here is a small anecdote. A person went for an interview
for the post of watchman. He was thin and looking sleepy. The
Board after examining him told him that they need a person who is
a little fat, who does not sleep and who suspects anything that
goes around. He told them '....then sir, I shall send my wife.'
The above anecdote amply explains that women by nature
suspect, even needlessly at times, about things that happen
around and men generally are not that suspectful. They are
sleepier than women. This is the reason why mothers are more
anxious about their daughters while the fathers are busy reading
newspapers.
Any person who is worried about safety, would always look
for possible danger signals and that is the way mothers
function. That is so because they know what the consequences are
of anything untoward that might happen.
Even where the mother collects the courage to discuss
frankly the issues involved, the girl children generally come out
with 'Don't worry Mamma. Do you think I am a child? I know it
all and I assure you that nothing would go wrong.'
In such situations parents are left with the only option of
responding 'OK, my dear. I only want you to be careful' and
feel content with that.
Yes, one can be careful to avoid 'accidents'. But accidents
also occur due to the acts of commissions and omissions on the
part of others, notwithstanding your exercise of caution. This
is what parents have to essentially communicate to their daugh¬
ters. There are many male adolescents who want to cause
'accidents' and who feel a thrill in dreaming wrong.
Freedom! Who does not like freedom? Freedom is really
beautiful and enjoyable. Freedom to move with all people,
freedom from time limitations, freedom to go anywhere, freedom to
stroll wherever you want without the fear of thieves, robbers and
eve teasers is a very good thing. We would all like to leave our
doors and windows open to let the free flow of breeze pass
through our homes. But we are obliged to keep them closed and
feel the suffocation only to avoid mosquitoes and thieves.
For anything in this world, we may have to pay a price. So
is the case with freedom. Freedom too has a price and if one
wants to be free, he would have to pay the price for it one day.
And the 'price of freedom' we are talking of here in this chapter
is very high .
Parents have to communicate not only their anxieties, but
also the needed guidelines to 'help' their daughters identify
people with wrong ideas in their minds. To me it appears that
the girls have to be alert to the guys from the following angles:
1. Viewers: Guys who get attracted by the girls and
behave differently. Some stare at the girl
at her eyes, at her body etc. Some others
intermittently look at her, only to take
away their eyes when she makes the eye
contact.
2. Impressors: Guys who try to impress by their appearance
and style. Guys who make jokes and who make
her laugh. Guys who slowly introduce
subject of 'sex' in their jokes.
3. Space Guys who come closer, sit closer and who
reducers: 'accidentally' touch her, but say 'sorry'.
4. Hang Guys who make themselves 'present' and
arounds: 'visible' wherever she goes and who feign
'accidentaly' meeting her.
5. Fencers: Guys who develop friendship and who make
'presents' to fence her. Also guys who talk
about her dress, hair style and make up.
Parents have to tell their daughters about the guys of the
above kind. The guys could be of any age. Once she observes the
presence of the above traits, she should be careful about them.
In summary, spinsters should
- develop their own time schedules to reach home
- identify places to be avoided
- identify kinds of dresses that attract guys
- avoid seductive make up
- avoid acceptance of gifts
- avoid letting people into the house when she is alone
- maintain her personal space between herself and other
males
- start thinking in terms of polite avoidance when she is
confronted with wrong guys and wrong situations.
- autonomy can be sought from parental control if they
continue to be accountable to
one's time
one's goals
one's threats
one's traditions and values
one's growth and progress
Parents are not at all trying to strangulate their daughters
by exercising control over them and they are not averse to grant¬
ing the autonomy to them. But what the children need understand
is that giving autonomy to children does not mean
permission to commit mistakes; and
abdication by parents
The anxiety behind parental controls over grown up girls concerns
their daughter's "safety" and it can be reasonably taken for
granted that girls too are interested in their "safety". The
goal of both parents and their daughter being the same, what
parents are concerned is there should be no compromise on goal
attainment while they give the autonomy.
In Management, there is a concept of delegation, which is
nothing but granting autonomy to a subordinate to do his job in
his own way. But every delegation is accompanied by a need to
give the delegator a feedback of what has been done and achieved.
Similar is the case of grant of autonomy at homes also.
Children seeking autonomy should make it a practice of where did
they go and what did they do during the period of autonomy.
Friday, December 18, 2009
Temper Tantrums
Children often get into anger due to various reasons,
whether justified or not. This anger is reflected by different
children in different ways:
a] Some children take to violent display of tantrums by
kicking, shouting and crying
b] Some children closet themselves into a room or go
elsewhere to brood over the matter.
c] Some remain at home, but showing a hung face and refrain
from talking to any one
d] some resort to hunger strike and adamency till the demand
is met.
Well, these temper displays are not peculiar to children
alone. Even grown up people resort to these. The [a] category
man does this to his wife and children. The [b] category man
leaves the house and does not return home till late in the night
or even the next day morning. The [c] remains aloof and does not
talk to his family people and the [d] does say 'I have no appe¬
tite'. These are extensions of his childhood carried over be¬
cause these tantrums remain uncorrected even till late in life.
Parents would do well, on such occasions to ponder over the
matter as to whether there was any lack on their part in stoke
giving to the child. If only parents had been showing
appreciation to the child for all his good conduct, the child
would never feel the necessity to show temper, for he would have
already known what is the productive behaviour and how he should
communicate his need. It is only where the children had been
denied of stroking, they resort to display of temper tantrums.
Let us now consider as to how to handle the children who
display tantrums.
In tackling the tantrums, some parents take to shouting,
ordering or even punishing. While these may temporarily calm
down the child, his inner voice would be one of hostility and
hate towards the parent. Hence this method always fails to
change the child inwardly.
Some parents resort to coaxing and cajoling. When the child
knows that parents are soft, he would demand that his demand be
met, if not now, atleast later. Usually such pampering parents
cave in and the child gets to know as to how to 'extract'. Thus
this again is an inappropriate way of handling the situation.
It is the opinion of researchers that the tempered child
should be allowed to have the steam out. When the coolness
returns, even if a couple of hours or a day later, the child
should be fondled and the following message given:
My dear, why did you do that?
Did your shouting/brooding/sulking help?
I had not given in because you abandoned discussing and
resorted to striking.
You convince me of your need, I shall help you get that.
You have to earn what you want, mere demand does not help.
Changing the child inwardly is more important than buying
peace at the time when the child strikes.
whether justified or not. This anger is reflected by different
children in different ways:
a] Some children take to violent display of tantrums by
kicking, shouting and crying
b] Some children closet themselves into a room or go
elsewhere to brood over the matter.
c] Some remain at home, but showing a hung face and refrain
from talking to any one
d] some resort to hunger strike and adamency till the demand
is met.
Well, these temper displays are not peculiar to children
alone. Even grown up people resort to these. The [a] category
man does this to his wife and children. The [b] category man
leaves the house and does not return home till late in the night
or even the next day morning. The [c] remains aloof and does not
talk to his family people and the [d] does say 'I have no appe¬
tite'. These are extensions of his childhood carried over be¬
cause these tantrums remain uncorrected even till late in life.
Parents would do well, on such occasions to ponder over the
matter as to whether there was any lack on their part in stoke
giving to the child. If only parents had been showing
appreciation to the child for all his good conduct, the child
would never feel the necessity to show temper, for he would have
already known what is the productive behaviour and how he should
communicate his need. It is only where the children had been
denied of stroking, they resort to display of temper tantrums.
Let us now consider as to how to handle the children who
display tantrums.
In tackling the tantrums, some parents take to shouting,
ordering or even punishing. While these may temporarily calm
down the child, his inner voice would be one of hostility and
hate towards the parent. Hence this method always fails to
change the child inwardly.
Some parents resort to coaxing and cajoling. When the child
knows that parents are soft, he would demand that his demand be
met, if not now, atleast later. Usually such pampering parents
cave in and the child gets to know as to how to 'extract'. Thus
this again is an inappropriate way of handling the situation.
It is the opinion of researchers that the tempered child
should be allowed to have the steam out. When the coolness
returns, even if a couple of hours or a day later, the child
should be fondled and the following message given:
My dear, why did you do that?
Did your shouting/brooding/sulking help?
I had not given in because you abandoned discussing and
resorted to striking.
You convince me of your need, I shall help you get that.
You have to earn what you want, mere demand does not help.
Changing the child inwardly is more important than buying
peace at the time when the child strikes.
Support your Child
PROVIDING EFFICIENT SUPPORT TO CHILDREN
The old methods of giving birth to children with no goals in mind can no more work. 1990s and the following 21st Century are very different from the past. Now the reality is 'perform or perish'. This reality is going to affect our children in the coming years. The new economic reforms ushered in our country clearly demand high quality performance and achievement in the years to come and our children would therefore have a demanding period of life.
Parents have therefore to get clear of the above and equip their children accordingly.
We have already dealt with in great detail in what manner parents have to shape themselves and their children to make them 'perform' effectively. We have already told in this book that parents have to keep the turf [i.e. the house], in a congenial manner and both the husband and wife team have to function effec¬tively having no conflict at home. We have also told the parents that they have to be qualitatively 'available' to their children to guide them effectively.
I have been observing many homes and find that parents do not come in a single variety. They are found to be of different kinds. The varieties I have seen are:
No time parents
who have no time to attend to the family. They are engrossed in other preoccupa tions and hence have left the home management to their spouse.
Worker parents
These parents do the job of their children and give them total attention.Even the home work of the children are done by these parents and believe that they have to work for them. This causes no development in children.
Boss parents
These parents behave like a Lord at home and boss over every one including the spouse.
Popular parents
These parents spend lavishly on their children and get them whatever they want
In some cases, even they bribe their children to make them obey instructions.
Giving of more than barely needed pocket money also comes within this definition.
Such children get highly pampered and ultimately get spoiled.
Fire parents
These parents believe in putting up a sense of fear in their children to make them obey. They do not realise that children in such circumstances put up a false front of obedience, but resent such behaviour in parents internally.
Constraint parents
These parents have their own excuses for not doing their parental duties. These people believe that their children are already rotten and spoiled and nothing can improve them. Hence they remain unhappy and withdrawn always.
Financier parents
These parents think that their duty is over once they get their children the needed books, note books, etc and pay of their school fees. In case despite this, the children do not get good grades, they arrange tuitions. They legitimately believe that it is the duty of school to develop their children.
Parents have to realise that none of these parent models would work towards proper upbringing of their children.
The correct parent model depends on the stage at which the child stands intellectually.
If the child is a beginner, one has to act as a real parent providing him what he needs, explaining what to do, how to do and treating him with love and encouraging him to involve in his own development.
If the child is already learning and taking interest, then the parents have to act as teacher, asking questions, explaining, and expanding his thinking and ensuring his input.
If the child is a climber, taking deep interest in his onward move, the parents have to act as a friend, supporting his effort, appreciating and praising him for his performance and motivating him to do more.
If he is already a topper, parents have to give him all the needed assistance and behave like a grand parent leaving him on his own except be enquiring from time to time whether he needs any help.
In all cases, parents have to practise a good touch. They have to fondly touch the child frequently making him feel the care of the parents. They should not hesitate to pat him whenev¬er there is need for encouragement. Shaking hands to assure, drawing the child closer to comfort and hugging him to celebrate success are other means to practise the touch. The beauty with the 'touch' is that it conveys love, affection, comfort, support, security, encouragement etc. and would influence the inner talk of the child in favour of the parents. This favourable inner talk of the child is so important for him to develop positive attitudes which alone can take him towards the building up of the self confidence in him.
The old methods of giving birth to children with no goals in mind can no more work. 1990s and the following 21st Century are very different from the past. Now the reality is 'perform or perish'. This reality is going to affect our children in the coming years. The new economic reforms ushered in our country clearly demand high quality performance and achievement in the years to come and our children would therefore have a demanding period of life.
Parents have therefore to get clear of the above and equip their children accordingly.
We have already dealt with in great detail in what manner parents have to shape themselves and their children to make them 'perform' effectively. We have already told in this book that parents have to keep the turf [i.e. the house], in a congenial manner and both the husband and wife team have to function effec¬tively having no conflict at home. We have also told the parents that they have to be qualitatively 'available' to their children to guide them effectively.
I have been observing many homes and find that parents do not come in a single variety. They are found to be of different kinds. The varieties I have seen are:
No time parents
who have no time to attend to the family. They are engrossed in other preoccupa tions and hence have left the home management to their spouse.
Worker parents
These parents do the job of their children and give them total attention.Even the home work of the children are done by these parents and believe that they have to work for them. This causes no development in children.
Boss parents
These parents behave like a Lord at home and boss over every one including the spouse.
Popular parents
These parents spend lavishly on their children and get them whatever they want
In some cases, even they bribe their children to make them obey instructions.
Giving of more than barely needed pocket money also comes within this definition.
Such children get highly pampered and ultimately get spoiled.
Fire parents
These parents believe in putting up a sense of fear in their children to make them obey. They do not realise that children in such circumstances put up a false front of obedience, but resent such behaviour in parents internally.
Constraint parents
These parents have their own excuses for not doing their parental duties. These people believe that their children are already rotten and spoiled and nothing can improve them. Hence they remain unhappy and withdrawn always.
Financier parents
These parents think that their duty is over once they get their children the needed books, note books, etc and pay of their school fees. In case despite this, the children do not get good grades, they arrange tuitions. They legitimately believe that it is the duty of school to develop their children.
Parents have to realise that none of these parent models would work towards proper upbringing of their children.
The correct parent model depends on the stage at which the child stands intellectually.
If the child is a beginner, one has to act as a real parent providing him what he needs, explaining what to do, how to do and treating him with love and encouraging him to involve in his own development.
If the child is already learning and taking interest, then the parents have to act as teacher, asking questions, explaining, and expanding his thinking and ensuring his input.
If the child is a climber, taking deep interest in his onward move, the parents have to act as a friend, supporting his effort, appreciating and praising him for his performance and motivating him to do more.
If he is already a topper, parents have to give him all the needed assistance and behave like a grand parent leaving him on his own except be enquiring from time to time whether he needs any help.
In all cases, parents have to practise a good touch. They have to fondly touch the child frequently making him feel the care of the parents. They should not hesitate to pat him whenev¬er there is need for encouragement. Shaking hands to assure, drawing the child closer to comfort and hugging him to celebrate success are other means to practise the touch. The beauty with the 'touch' is that it conveys love, affection, comfort, support, security, encouragement etc. and would influence the inner talk of the child in favour of the parents. This favourable inner talk of the child is so important for him to develop positive attitudes which alone can take him towards the building up of the self confidence in him.
Counseling your grown up child
Every parent shuld be a good dardner to ensure their plants
[children] grow well.
What does the gardner do to make the garden yield good
results?
He prepares the ground
He ensures he buys good seeds
He plants the seeds with adequat gap
He waters the seeds and then the plants
He applies manure
He cuts and prunes the plants
He removes the unwanted growth around
He harvests the yield
Now as parents in charge of growing children, parents have
to do a similar thing. Parents have
to prepare the ground for the child birth by gearing up
themeslves emotionally and financially and also by readying
the partner
to ensure that the seed is good. That is made possible by
making the child bearing mother emotionally stable and
physically healthy
to ensure adequate time gap between children's birth
to feed the child with food, water and stroking to ensure
proper growth
to manure the child through motivation and encouragement
to cut and prune by proper scripting and correcting aberra-
tions
to remove unwanted growth in the child and remove the weeds
This is to be done by counselling.
This chapter is devoted to counselling erring children.
This chapter is important in the wake of what is other practised
by parents. In many homes, when parents find their children
getting misdirected and acquire unwanted traits parents are first
seen to worry or complain/lament to spouse or other friends about
the child who of course share the concern of the complaining
parent. On some other occasions the parents might be wondering as
to what to do.
Somewhere the parents might take up the issue with the
children lecturing to the child who is already fed of lectures
from teachers. In fact no one wants to listen to lectures. What
many citizens do when the country's President comes on TV to
deliver a lecture on a National Day? Many citizens are seen to
change the channel or put off the TV. In a similar psychology,
the child also turns off his ear to the lecturing
parent.
Sometimes the emotions may erupt and the parents might rise
to communicate a bit of their mind ending up in quarrels and high
blood pressure on both sides with little imrovement to child
behaviour.
If we just review the above approaches, we can find the
following:
Parents' avoidance - I am not OK, he is not ok
Parents' complaining - I am ok, he is not ok
Parents' lecturing - I am ok, he is not ok
Parents' shouting - I am ok, he is not ok
The above approaches to resolving conflicts do not work
because they start with fault finding and pre-supposes that the
child is not ok. He may be not ok, but letting that know to the
other party affects the chances of success.
The scientific method to approach the adolescent is coun¬
selling. Counselling is neither advising nor firing. It is just
counselling. Let us see how it is to be put into practise.
The first step in counselling is to identify the positive
aspects in the adolescent. Well counselling is towards removal of
the negative behaviour present in the child. But we need to
start with certain positives present in the child. Hence it is
necessary to think and identify what positive aspects are present
in the child. May be he is good in studies, but bad in behaviour.
May be he is good in games, bad in studies. May be he is good in
taking care of his external appearance but bad in relationships.
Well, if parents take time to think about the positives present
in the adolescent, it is not difficult to identify a few aspects.
What is important in this regard is to note down the positive
aspect of the adolescent in specifics. For example, it is not
sufficient to note down his positives as a good player in crick¬
et, but to recall and note down the specific good runs scored by
him or the number of catches by him in the recently held few
matches.
The second step in counselling is diagnosis. In diagnosing
the the negative behaviour in the adolescent which the parents
want to correct, they need to note it down as a 'concern area',
and not to term it as a 'misbehaviour'. Here again we need to
note down the concerns in specifics, such as he does not come
home earlier than 2030 hrs or he has been scoring consistently
low marks in mathematics, etc.
The third step in counselling is to change the concern area
into positive expressions. If you had identified the concern
area as not reaching home before 2030 hrs in the evenings, con¬
vert it into an expression of 'he should be back at home by 1930
hrs.' If the concern area is 'he is scoring low marks in Mathe¬
matics' convert it into a positive expression of 'he needs to
enhance his marks to 50% in mathematics'. If the concern area is
the child is not studying at evenings, convert it into an expres¬
sion of he needs to study between 2030 hrs to 2200 hrs.
The fourth step in counselling is to take an appointment
with the child or adolescent for conference. Parents need to
intiate the discussion as
'Bete, I have a few points to discuiss with you.
When can we do that?'
The response of the child would be 'Any time, Dad'.
'Can we make it at 9 p.m. today?'
'Oh sure'
Now the parent has already won half the battle for he had
had the commitment of the child to listen to him. The child
would be thinking of 9 p.m. appointment throughout the day and he
would be 'available' to the parent on dot.
By your above approach, you have treated him as an adult and
conveyed your respect for his time and convenience. More impor¬
tantly you have adopted a 'I am ok; you are ok' approach. What
your child liked most in the transaction was that there was no
'you are not ok' content in the approach of the parent. It is
that approach of yours that has made you win the first round.
The fifth step now. The clock strikes nine and both you and
your child have already 'arrived' on the scene. Well he may have
his anxieties and you may have yours. But on your part, be
relaxed and try your best to make him feel relaxed too.
'So bete, how was the day?' you start casually.
'Fine, Dad, Fine'
'Was there any match today? You must have scored well.'
'Sorry Dad, I scored a blob in today's game'.
Oh, never mind, never mind. That happens some time. I know
you score good runs and in the last September tournament, you
made me proud of you. You did all the scoring and I was being
congratulated by the neighbour. Wasn't it odd, Madan?'
No Dad, but for your encouragement, I would not have made it
at all.
No, No, I tell you, you are a talented boy and you can
definitely rise to greater heights.
Thank you Dad.
I want you to make similar achievements in studies as well.
I will Dad.
What plans you have for that?
I propose to study more.
How do you do that, when you come home very late in the
evenings?
No Dad, I propose to come home a bit earlier and devote
sometime for studies too.
I would love that, Madan. Can you make it to reach home by
7 p.m. so that you can devote sometime for studies, say sometime
between 8 to 10 p.m.?
I think I should.
Now that is counselling !
Have you observed as to how the discussion went on?
It started with positives in the child;
Had all the encouragers;
Made the child feel highly comfortable and proud;
Even when the subject switched over, both felt comfortable;
The parent opted to put questions, than to make advices'
The questions put were open ended like 'what plans you have'
The session was not grilling nor interrogatory in nature;
The session was fact seeking and stimulative.
Thus for counselling to be effective, parents should keep
the atmosphere relaxed, positive and motivating and put open
ended and guided questions. The beauty of counselling is that
both the parties talk at 'elderly level' and no one had any
interest in asserting themselves. More importantly, there was no
'not ok' projection from either side.
The above conversation is only an example. The discussions
would be smooth if parents get themselves trained in counselling.
Even most difficult situations can be effectively tackled through
effective counselling, the basic guidelines being as already
explained above. Some additional help-points are as under:
When the child expresses some anxieties or difficulties, parents need reflect their concern, appreciate his problems, and ask what they can do to help him to achieve the goal.
Make sure no emotions surface from either end. If there are outbursts from his end, don't take it personally. Touch him, pat him and convey you are there to his support.
Encourage the child to talk freely. You simply listen withpositive expressions.
Become a friend than be authoritative.
Educate on the risks of what he is doing. State your concerns in friendly tone.
Draw up a contract [He should be home by 7 p.m.]
Counselling if properly done, can never fail with our child¬
ren. You know they are always with you. Only you will have to be
with them.
[children] grow well.
What does the gardner do to make the garden yield good
results?
He prepares the ground
He ensures he buys good seeds
He plants the seeds with adequat gap
He waters the seeds and then the plants
He applies manure
He cuts and prunes the plants
He removes the unwanted growth around
He harvests the yield
Now as parents in charge of growing children, parents have
to do a similar thing. Parents have
to prepare the ground for the child birth by gearing up
themeslves emotionally and financially and also by readying
the partner
to ensure that the seed is good. That is made possible by
making the child bearing mother emotionally stable and
physically healthy
to ensure adequate time gap between children's birth
to feed the child with food, water and stroking to ensure
proper growth
to manure the child through motivation and encouragement
to cut and prune by proper scripting and correcting aberra-
tions
to remove unwanted growth in the child and remove the weeds
This is to be done by counselling.
This chapter is devoted to counselling erring children.
This chapter is important in the wake of what is other practised
by parents. In many homes, when parents find their children
getting misdirected and acquire unwanted traits parents are first
seen to worry or complain/lament to spouse or other friends about
the child who of course share the concern of the complaining
parent. On some other occasions the parents might be wondering as
to what to do.
Somewhere the parents might take up the issue with the
children lecturing to the child who is already fed of lectures
from teachers. In fact no one wants to listen to lectures. What
many citizens do when the country's President comes on TV to
deliver a lecture on a National Day? Many citizens are seen to
change the channel or put off the TV. In a similar psychology,
the child also turns off his ear to the lecturing
parent.
Sometimes the emotions may erupt and the parents might rise
to communicate a bit of their mind ending up in quarrels and high
blood pressure on both sides with little imrovement to child
behaviour.
If we just review the above approaches, we can find the
following:
Parents' avoidance - I am not OK, he is not ok
Parents' complaining - I am ok, he is not ok
Parents' lecturing - I am ok, he is not ok
Parents' shouting - I am ok, he is not ok
The above approaches to resolving conflicts do not work
because they start with fault finding and pre-supposes that the
child is not ok. He may be not ok, but letting that know to the
other party affects the chances of success.
The scientific method to approach the adolescent is coun¬
selling. Counselling is neither advising nor firing. It is just
counselling. Let us see how it is to be put into practise.
The first step in counselling is to identify the positive
aspects in the adolescent. Well counselling is towards removal of
the negative behaviour present in the child. But we need to
start with certain positives present in the child. Hence it is
necessary to think and identify what positive aspects are present
in the child. May be he is good in studies, but bad in behaviour.
May be he is good in games, bad in studies. May be he is good in
taking care of his external appearance but bad in relationships.
Well, if parents take time to think about the positives present
in the adolescent, it is not difficult to identify a few aspects.
What is important in this regard is to note down the positive
aspect of the adolescent in specifics. For example, it is not
sufficient to note down his positives as a good player in crick¬
et, but to recall and note down the specific good runs scored by
him or the number of catches by him in the recently held few
matches.
The second step in counselling is diagnosis. In diagnosing
the the negative behaviour in the adolescent which the parents
want to correct, they need to note it down as a 'concern area',
and not to term it as a 'misbehaviour'. Here again we need to
note down the concerns in specifics, such as he does not come
home earlier than 2030 hrs or he has been scoring consistently
low marks in mathematics, etc.
The third step in counselling is to change the concern area
into positive expressions. If you had identified the concern
area as not reaching home before 2030 hrs in the evenings, con¬
vert it into an expression of 'he should be back at home by 1930
hrs.' If the concern area is 'he is scoring low marks in Mathe¬
matics' convert it into a positive expression of 'he needs to
enhance his marks to 50% in mathematics'. If the concern area is
the child is not studying at evenings, convert it into an expres¬
sion of he needs to study between 2030 hrs to 2200 hrs.
The fourth step in counselling is to take an appointment
with the child or adolescent for conference. Parents need to
intiate the discussion as
'Bete, I have a few points to discuiss with you.
When can we do that?'
The response of the child would be 'Any time, Dad'.
'Can we make it at 9 p.m. today?'
'Oh sure'
Now the parent has already won half the battle for he had
had the commitment of the child to listen to him. The child
would be thinking of 9 p.m. appointment throughout the day and he
would be 'available' to the parent on dot.
By your above approach, you have treated him as an adult and
conveyed your respect for his time and convenience. More impor¬
tantly you have adopted a 'I am ok; you are ok' approach. What
your child liked most in the transaction was that there was no
'you are not ok' content in the approach of the parent. It is
that approach of yours that has made you win the first round.
The fifth step now. The clock strikes nine and both you and
your child have already 'arrived' on the scene. Well he may have
his anxieties and you may have yours. But on your part, be
relaxed and try your best to make him feel relaxed too.
'So bete, how was the day?' you start casually.
'Fine, Dad, Fine'
'Was there any match today? You must have scored well.'
'Sorry Dad, I scored a blob in today's game'.
Oh, never mind, never mind. That happens some time. I know
you score good runs and in the last September tournament, you
made me proud of you. You did all the scoring and I was being
congratulated by the neighbour. Wasn't it odd, Madan?'
No Dad, but for your encouragement, I would not have made it
at all.
No, No, I tell you, you are a talented boy and you can
definitely rise to greater heights.
Thank you Dad.
I want you to make similar achievements in studies as well.
I will Dad.
What plans you have for that?
I propose to study more.
How do you do that, when you come home very late in the
evenings?
No Dad, I propose to come home a bit earlier and devote
sometime for studies too.
I would love that, Madan. Can you make it to reach home by
7 p.m. so that you can devote sometime for studies, say sometime
between 8 to 10 p.m.?
I think I should.
Now that is counselling !
Have you observed as to how the discussion went on?
It started with positives in the child;
Had all the encouragers;
Made the child feel highly comfortable and proud;
Even when the subject switched over, both felt comfortable;
The parent opted to put questions, than to make advices'
The questions put were open ended like 'what plans you have'
The session was not grilling nor interrogatory in nature;
The session was fact seeking and stimulative.
Thus for counselling to be effective, parents should keep
the atmosphere relaxed, positive and motivating and put open
ended and guided questions. The beauty of counselling is that
both the parties talk at 'elderly level' and no one had any
interest in asserting themselves. More importantly, there was no
'not ok' projection from either side.
The above conversation is only an example. The discussions
would be smooth if parents get themselves trained in counselling.
Even most difficult situations can be effectively tackled through
effective counselling, the basic guidelines being as already
explained above. Some additional help-points are as under:
When the child expresses some anxieties or difficulties, parents need reflect their concern, appreciate his problems, and ask what they can do to help him to achieve the goal.
Make sure no emotions surface from either end. If there are outbursts from his end, don't take it personally. Touch him, pat him and convey you are there to his support.
Encourage the child to talk freely. You simply listen withpositive expressions.
Become a friend than be authoritative.
Educate on the risks of what he is doing. State your concerns in friendly tone.
Draw up a contract [He should be home by 7 p.m.]
Counselling if properly done, can never fail with our child¬
ren. You know they are always with you. Only you will have to be
with them.
Create Learning atmosphere at home
Don't ever think that 'he is a kid, he may not need to know
this' or 'he is a small boy, he cannot do this'. Give children
enough opportunity to oknow and do. Young can learn and do
almost everything and this ability should not be killed by our
attitude towards them. Only the children need a proper guide and
some training on 'how to perform', whether it is swimming, cy¬
cling, athletics or gymnastics. The same thing applies to games
or music. What is not encouraged and grown from childhood would
die by adolescence. To develop self confidence in children, what
is essentially needed is self confidence in parents that their
children can do. No body is born great or gifted. Everyone is
made gifted and great by proper training, guidance, hardwork,
sincerety, encouragement and recognition.
Buy instruments and keep it within the reach of children.
Buy tennis racket within their reach. This is a way to attract
the child to what you want him to do. Encourge him to touch and
try the instruments and such other things. Train, enthuse and
guide. Don't tell the child
Don't touch it, it may get spoiled
Don't do this; Don't do that
These negative directions actually encourage inactivity. Always
encourage if they start doing anything. Active role of parents
is a must in child development.
Make sure that children are kept active without feeling the
rigour. Children shiuld never feel learning as burdensome.
Better learning can be achieved by associating lerning with play
and wholebody movements. Children turn indifferent to learning
whey they are loaded with responsibilities and compelled to be
seated doing his work. This is not only bad, but also certainly
harmful because it is this element that make children want to run
away to feel the freshness of the air.
Parents who expect children to labour under columes of books
and notebooks are not only blid, but also deaf for they cannot
hear the cry of the child for freedom.
Parents have to change their own perception of education and
make the atmosphere change for the child. Let the parents go
through the syllabus of their children and learn themselves and
then 'talk' to the child casully and interestingly on the sub¬
jects. Let parents make children ask questins to them on sub¬
jects and let parents feign ignorance or provide only incomplete
answers. Then they would see children taking pride in completing
the answers and trying to teach the parents. Let parents in their
'talk' to the children raise doubts on certain points, the answer
to which they already know. In this game, children would take
interest and turn curious. Now it is easy to make the child read
the lesson and find answers. This is recreational studying.
Help children to make experiments at home. It is very much
possible to turn the house into a laboratory. Even if your house
does not provide enough room for the purpose, all the parents of
the locality can join together and provide for a small room where
children can do experiments. For that matter the experiments can
be done even in a verandah or in the open.
Children should be introduced to various forms of learning
where is ability to observe and curiosity to know are encashed.
If the parents take interest in self learning first and then
behave with children friendly and cooperative, there is nothing
that cannot be achieved. Parents attitude can create more intel¬
ligence in the children than piles of books.
this' or 'he is a small boy, he cannot do this'. Give children
enough opportunity to oknow and do. Young can learn and do
almost everything and this ability should not be killed by our
attitude towards them. Only the children need a proper guide and
some training on 'how to perform', whether it is swimming, cy¬
cling, athletics or gymnastics. The same thing applies to games
or music. What is not encouraged and grown from childhood would
die by adolescence. To develop self confidence in children, what
is essentially needed is self confidence in parents that their
children can do. No body is born great or gifted. Everyone is
made gifted and great by proper training, guidance, hardwork,
sincerety, encouragement and recognition.
Buy instruments and keep it within the reach of children.
Buy tennis racket within their reach. This is a way to attract
the child to what you want him to do. Encourge him to touch and
try the instruments and such other things. Train, enthuse and
guide. Don't tell the child
Don't touch it, it may get spoiled
Don't do this; Don't do that
These negative directions actually encourage inactivity. Always
encourage if they start doing anything. Active role of parents
is a must in child development.
Make sure that children are kept active without feeling the
rigour. Children shiuld never feel learning as burdensome.
Better learning can be achieved by associating lerning with play
and wholebody movements. Children turn indifferent to learning
whey they are loaded with responsibilities and compelled to be
seated doing his work. This is not only bad, but also certainly
harmful because it is this element that make children want to run
away to feel the freshness of the air.
Parents who expect children to labour under columes of books
and notebooks are not only blid, but also deaf for they cannot
hear the cry of the child for freedom.
Parents have to change their own perception of education and
make the atmosphere change for the child. Let the parents go
through the syllabus of their children and learn themselves and
then 'talk' to the child casully and interestingly on the sub¬
jects. Let parents make children ask questins to them on sub¬
jects and let parents feign ignorance or provide only incomplete
answers. Then they would see children taking pride in completing
the answers and trying to teach the parents. Let parents in their
'talk' to the children raise doubts on certain points, the answer
to which they already know. In this game, children would take
interest and turn curious. Now it is easy to make the child read
the lesson and find answers. This is recreational studying.
Help children to make experiments at home. It is very much
possible to turn the house into a laboratory. Even if your house
does not provide enough room for the purpose, all the parents of
the locality can join together and provide for a small room where
children can do experiments. For that matter the experiments can
be done even in a verandah or in the open.
Children should be introduced to various forms of learning
where is ability to observe and curiosity to know are encashed.
If the parents take interest in self learning first and then
behave with children friendly and cooperative, there is nothing
that cannot be achieved. Parents attitude can create more intel¬
ligence in the children than piles of books.
Help children build their career
How to make children career minded
There was a period in history when the common man, the
trader, the farmer and the other service people in the community
were not learned people in today's standards. People were simply
making their living in sowing, harvesting, fishing, cattle rear¬
ing, etc.
With the onset of iniduistrial revolution, the things
changed. People switched over to manufacturing jobs and converted
raw materials into finished goods.
With markets growing, we needed people for various other
needs like clerks, accountants, managers, lawyers, etc. and these
new needs introduced men to modern education.
With more and more discoveries and inventions taking place,
we took to transporot, communications, power production, travel,
etc. which opened up fresh job markets for the people who had the
right educatin.
The electronic revolution made significant strides in the
offices, factories and homes throwing new avenues of education
and careers in various new fields including in the media.
We have since entered the computer and information age. This
is the third revolution now sweeping the world. Countries like
Singapore are turning into 'intelligent islands' making it possi¬
ble for people to have education, shopping, conferences, etc
sitting right at home. These are further opening up newer and
newer channels of opportunities for education and careers.
There was a time when primary education was sufficient and
with tht people were able to rise high. Things changed and people
needed atleast to become graduates. Now the new market economy
and global village concepts have made it necessary for people to
acquire expertise in more fields than one.
With computers having already made their entry and robitics
waiting on the wings, it is no more advisable for parents to
prepare their children for clerical or white collar positions
keeping government jobs in mind. At any rate willy nilly, the
goernment have reserved almost, most of their positions for
certain categories and in another twenty years, the entire bu¬
reaucracy is likely to be manned by reservists of one form or the
other. In such a situation, parents would do well to prepare
their children towards private careers.
Children as they grow have to be introduced to concepts of
markets, competition and to the need to shine as career persons.
Today's job demands are no more confined as they used to be.
They demand people with combination of disciplines, i.e. with
multidisciplinary exposure like Engineering-Finance-Marketing
with of course necessary exposure to computer literacy.
Parents have to be aware that one might get a job but job is
not a career. A job may be given by an employer, but it is your
and your child's responsibiility to make a carrer for him.
Parents have to increasingly resort to develop their child¬
ren in privately run career clinics so that they develop the
needed knowledge and skills even while in school. This is import¬
ant for children to face competitive examinations for admission
to higher education, the gateway to careers.
Parents have thus to become longterm planners and career
strategists, keeping in mind the market climate around. It is
also their duty to restructure their children to become career
directed even from their early years. This is where creating
other interests that we talked about earlier can become the
launching pad. With proper advance planning, parents cannot think
of their children having a brilliant career.
Keeping children busy and putting them to various training
courses during vacations nd early months of school years is
important. The training could be in any field, even it is
bakery, watch repair, garment designing or whatever. It is
simply a question of keeping them interested in positives in
their early years of life. Thus throughout the school years
parents have to be on the look out for fresh areas where training
could be imparted at the next opportune occasion.
Parents in a particular area can join together to bring in
and organise various training and skill development courses.
Even they can organise these through the aegis of the shools
concerned. In this way the children can grow gifted knowing a
variety of things and acquiring cognitive abilities.
Gifted children are not born from heaven with total blessing
from God. They are only ordinary children who have picked up
skills and crafts early in life. Making this possible lies in
the hands of parents. If parents develop G oals, O rganise the
needed facilities to be available for children and interest the
children to D o, GOD automaticaly helps the children to become
gifted. God helps those who help themselves. So parents must
provide early stimulus to children by taking personal interest in
them.
With reference to career consciousness children can be
divided into three age groups.
Uptil age5, children observe and are highly inquisitive to
learn. But between age 5 and 12, this inquisitiveness wanes
away. This happens due to children being heavily controlled and
quietened both at home and at school and due to this children
engae itheir minds in fantasying rather than learning. This is a
productive period in the lives of children which is simply wasted
and the children dwarfed due to mismanagement of the child. It
is by age 13 or 14 children start realising that they have to
make themselves equipped for some career, but many having lost
the prime time of their age, are unable to catch up. Not being
able to catch up, children lose their self confidence and once
self confidence is lost, all the foundation, construction and
building work so far done by parents evaporate in the vacuum.
Parents, beware !
There was a period in history when the common man, the
trader, the farmer and the other service people in the community
were not learned people in today's standards. People were simply
making their living in sowing, harvesting, fishing, cattle rear¬
ing, etc.
With the onset of iniduistrial revolution, the things
changed. People switched over to manufacturing jobs and converted
raw materials into finished goods.
With markets growing, we needed people for various other
needs like clerks, accountants, managers, lawyers, etc. and these
new needs introduced men to modern education.
With more and more discoveries and inventions taking place,
we took to transporot, communications, power production, travel,
etc. which opened up fresh job markets for the people who had the
right educatin.
The electronic revolution made significant strides in the
offices, factories and homes throwing new avenues of education
and careers in various new fields including in the media.
We have since entered the computer and information age. This
is the third revolution now sweeping the world. Countries like
Singapore are turning into 'intelligent islands' making it possi¬
ble for people to have education, shopping, conferences, etc
sitting right at home. These are further opening up newer and
newer channels of opportunities for education and careers.
There was a time when primary education was sufficient and
with tht people were able to rise high. Things changed and people
needed atleast to become graduates. Now the new market economy
and global village concepts have made it necessary for people to
acquire expertise in more fields than one.
With computers having already made their entry and robitics
waiting on the wings, it is no more advisable for parents to
prepare their children for clerical or white collar positions
keeping government jobs in mind. At any rate willy nilly, the
goernment have reserved almost, most of their positions for
certain categories and in another twenty years, the entire bu¬
reaucracy is likely to be manned by reservists of one form or the
other. In such a situation, parents would do well to prepare
their children towards private careers.
Children as they grow have to be introduced to concepts of
markets, competition and to the need to shine as career persons.
Today's job demands are no more confined as they used to be.
They demand people with combination of disciplines, i.e. with
multidisciplinary exposure like Engineering-Finance-Marketing
with of course necessary exposure to computer literacy.
Parents have to be aware that one might get a job but job is
not a career. A job may be given by an employer, but it is your
and your child's responsibiility to make a carrer for him.
Parents have to increasingly resort to develop their child¬
ren in privately run career clinics so that they develop the
needed knowledge and skills even while in school. This is import¬
ant for children to face competitive examinations for admission
to higher education, the gateway to careers.
Parents have thus to become longterm planners and career
strategists, keeping in mind the market climate around. It is
also their duty to restructure their children to become career
directed even from their early years. This is where creating
other interests that we talked about earlier can become the
launching pad. With proper advance planning, parents cannot think
of their children having a brilliant career.
Keeping children busy and putting them to various training
courses during vacations nd early months of school years is
important. The training could be in any field, even it is
bakery, watch repair, garment designing or whatever. It is
simply a question of keeping them interested in positives in
their early years of life. Thus throughout the school years
parents have to be on the look out for fresh areas where training
could be imparted at the next opportune occasion.
Parents in a particular area can join together to bring in
and organise various training and skill development courses.
Even they can organise these through the aegis of the shools
concerned. In this way the children can grow gifted knowing a
variety of things and acquiring cognitive abilities.
Gifted children are not born from heaven with total blessing
from God. They are only ordinary children who have picked up
skills and crafts early in life. Making this possible lies in
the hands of parents. If parents develop G oals, O rganise the
needed facilities to be available for children and interest the
children to D o, GOD automaticaly helps the children to become
gifted. God helps those who help themselves. So parents must
provide early stimulus to children by taking personal interest in
them.
With reference to career consciousness children can be
divided into three age groups.
Uptil age5, children observe and are highly inquisitive to
learn. But between age 5 and 12, this inquisitiveness wanes
away. This happens due to children being heavily controlled and
quietened both at home and at school and due to this children
engae itheir minds in fantasying rather than learning. This is a
productive period in the lives of children which is simply wasted
and the children dwarfed due to mismanagement of the child. It
is by age 13 or 14 children start realising that they have to
make themselves equipped for some career, but many having lost
the prime time of their age, are unable to catch up. Not being
able to catch up, children lose their self confidence and once
self confidence is lost, all the foundation, construction and
building work so far done by parents evaporate in the vacuum.
Parents, beware !
Love Marriage proposal from your child
Teen agers' love is a mighty weapon
That has divided many a families !
The above reflects the true reality that many families had
witnessed. With children leaving parents for higher studies or
employment it is likely to be on the increase.
Parents have always a list of standards to enforce. They
would always convey 'I love you, if....' Their love to children
is always conditional.
Even when the child was small, parents would hug and kiss
the child if he idoes something that is apreciative. Lest he is
in for punishment.
So this scale of assessment continues even when the child
has grown up.
Children are supposed to marry the person who is approved by
the family elders and family elders would approve only those who
fall within the boundaries they have inherited.
Well, children are permitted to choose their partners who of
course fall within the specified boundaries.
These conditions exist because it is inot that only the
couples would have contacts with the other party. Even the
respective families need to have satisfying interactions and for
this there have to be similarities in views, in customs, food
habits, patterns of speech, place of religious worship, etc.
Otherwise families will not be comfortable in the company of the
other.
Wedding is coming togoether of a male and female, but mar¬
riage is coming together of large number of families for unifica¬
tion. If the latter does not take place, there is no marriage,
only a wedding.
This precisely turns out to be the reason for post-wedding
turbulances and break ups in many love marriages that take place
defying the family norms. In many instances love marriageshave
broken immeidiately after the honey moon. The period of gazing at
each other having been over with the honey moon, the couple are
compelled to look outward and it is there they find host of
oppositions from own relatives, in laws and sometime even from
erstwhile friends. This is the first time they also look at
their own traditional / mutual variations, dissimilarities of
views, etc.
While in love they had generally a better opinion of the
other lover than he/she had desered. They definitely fell in love
with a personality, but they now find that they have to live with
a character. The girls especially realise that the man loved her
only get sex from her.
Now that they know each other well, the love no more exists.
The vows of love, continued love and togethernessis gone.
People fall in love.
The climbing out takes the rest of life !
Many times children in love argue that even traditional and
arranged marriages fail. True, they too fail. But the respective
families feel an obligation to set the matters right and the
affected couple have someone to fall back upon. In fact the
affected couple continue to receive positive strokes/support from
family members. But in failed love marriages, the respective
families feel vindicated and justified and there is hardly any
positive stroke supply.
Furter children have to be told that their above comment
amounts to their acceptance of chance of failure and that this
very approach is destructive in matters of marriage. Such a
failure oriented approach to marriage is not likely to keep the
marriage in tact.
It is the 'child' in the adolescent boy and girl that wanted
to carry on their play and decidied to marry each other. This
'child' did not and cannot think of what other needs are there in
making a marriage a success.
Well, in all ventures there is an element of failure or
success. Even if one fails there, one can try afresh. But mar¬
riage is not one such venture. If you fail once in marriage, you
face doom. There is seldom a chance for trying afresh and even
if you make a fresh approach and fresh life, it cannot stand
itself. So in marriage one cannot take things lightly.
Parents have to bring up the 'elderly' in their children.
They have to be made to think and analyse the risks, the dangers
and the consequences of the marriage that they propose.
The question is how to make the 'elderly' to come out in
your child in love which you don't want.
This had been a billion dollar question even before me when
I ventured to write on this topic. I could only think of and come
up with the following questionnaire for your child to answer. In
fact both the lovers can be asked to answer this and their re¬
plies assessed to find out as to what is the depth of love.
The questionnaire
1. What attracted you towards the other?
The colour of skin
The slim / tall personality
The shapes
The kind of dress that one wears
The mannerisms exhibited
Any other
2. Do you feel the rush of blood whenyou see your lover?
3. Do you feel like putting your arms around him/her?
4. Is your lover similarly placed like you?
Say
both are away from parents
both have step mothers
both are deprived of love from family
both have love for movies, music, art
Any other
5. Have you listed down your
standards and values in life you cherish?
likes and dislikes
Ambitions, dreams and goals
Socialisation and independence aptitudes
food habits, customs, traditions
health problems
short comings like short temper, hate, revenge
sacrifices needed to make adjustments
6. For girls:
What does he expect you to be after marriage?
Does it affect your self standing ability?
7. Do you admire the lover for any of his/her qualities:
for the sympathy he/she expresses for you
For the stroking he/she gives you
For the uprightness, honesty
For the self confidence he/she projects
For the hard work he/she puts in
For the high academic/professional achievements
For the good manners he/she projects
Any other
8. Does your lover
blame anyone for his/her misfortunes
complain` of work/home situations
find people difficult to get along with
enjoy talking about others' personal affairs
smokes or drinks
spend money lavishly
shun conversation at times
admit his short comings
9. What each others family history?
Any quarrels, broken relationships?
10. What is each others financial standing?
11. Whether society in general is in support of your
proposal for marriage?
12. Have you listed who all are for and against the marriage
What does the arithmatic show?
13. Can the love stand the strains of opposition from near
and dear and continue a life of happiness?
14. Can the lover provide you the support and security in
a hostile environment?
15. Can you live a life of dignity under conditions of red
flags all over?
The assessment of answers
1-3.Positive answers to these questions indicate bodily
attraction and the charm would be over once the honey
moon is over.
4-5 While similarities found in Q 4 are so momentary and
are not sufficient to sustain the marriage for long,
the similarities that can be found to Q 5 can sustain it
6. It is preferable that girls retain their self sustaining
abilities and avenues [say employment] and to this
extent boys are expected to respect the financial in-
dependence of girls.
7-8.Answers to 7 and 8 would be useful to assess the quali-
ties of the lovers.
9. The answers provided are to be analysed to find out
whether the lovers are likely to have inherited these
qualities and whether there are possibilities of their
behaving similarly. This question is for checking the
scripts one received from parents/family.
10. Answers to this question are very important.
11- These questions are meant to verify the withstanding
15 abilities of the lovers.
May be parents were able to have the lovers give their
honest answers to the above questions.
May be parents had objectively and meaningfully assessed the
plus and minuses of the proposal.
May be the parents had advised the child to change his/her
mind.
May be they were successful. [Congratulations !]
May be the lovers had still persisted and decided to go
ahead and get married. [Congratulations !]
Now is the stage for the parents to remember the saying:
You are never too old to grow up
Grow up, my dear parent, grow up.
Please remember that marriages break more due to external
hostilities than due to lack of mutual love among the lovers. I
don't want you to preside over the doom of your child's marital
life.
It is you who made the plant to grow. No one who had grown
a tree would go out to cut it down in anger.
What was your goal when yu reared your child? You wanted
him/her to be happy. So he/she is now. Why are you aroused now?
Is it the 'I love you if....' syndrome? Then you are
selfish.
You had made lot of sacrificies. Do one more. Cool down.
Sit down and think. Thing not through your brain. Think through
your heart. It is now time to push your brain aside and give
your heart a chance.
Do you want your child to make a sacrifice now for your
happiness? Have you really grown that selfish?
I am sure you haven't.
You are now an elderly person. If so act elderly.
Go and Bless them. This is the time your child truely needs
your hug and warmth. Please do not hold it.
Children deserve love, when they don't deserve it !
That has divided many a families !
The above reflects the true reality that many families had
witnessed. With children leaving parents for higher studies or
employment it is likely to be on the increase.
Parents have always a list of standards to enforce. They
would always convey 'I love you, if....' Their love to children
is always conditional.
Even when the child was small, parents would hug and kiss
the child if he idoes something that is apreciative. Lest he is
in for punishment.
So this scale of assessment continues even when the child
has grown up.
Children are supposed to marry the person who is approved by
the family elders and family elders would approve only those who
fall within the boundaries they have inherited.
Well, children are permitted to choose their partners who of
course fall within the specified boundaries.
These conditions exist because it is inot that only the
couples would have contacts with the other party. Even the
respective families need to have satisfying interactions and for
this there have to be similarities in views, in customs, food
habits, patterns of speech, place of religious worship, etc.
Otherwise families will not be comfortable in the company of the
other.
Wedding is coming togoether of a male and female, but mar¬
riage is coming together of large number of families for unifica¬
tion. If the latter does not take place, there is no marriage,
only a wedding.
This precisely turns out to be the reason for post-wedding
turbulances and break ups in many love marriages that take place
defying the family norms. In many instances love marriageshave
broken immeidiately after the honey moon. The period of gazing at
each other having been over with the honey moon, the couple are
compelled to look outward and it is there they find host of
oppositions from own relatives, in laws and sometime even from
erstwhile friends. This is the first time they also look at
their own traditional / mutual variations, dissimilarities of
views, etc.
While in love they had generally a better opinion of the
other lover than he/she had desered. They definitely fell in love
with a personality, but they now find that they have to live with
a character. The girls especially realise that the man loved her
only get sex from her.
Now that they know each other well, the love no more exists.
The vows of love, continued love and togethernessis gone.
People fall in love.
The climbing out takes the rest of life !
Many times children in love argue that even traditional and
arranged marriages fail. True, they too fail. But the respective
families feel an obligation to set the matters right and the
affected couple have someone to fall back upon. In fact the
affected couple continue to receive positive strokes/support from
family members. But in failed love marriages, the respective
families feel vindicated and justified and there is hardly any
positive stroke supply.
Furter children have to be told that their above comment
amounts to their acceptance of chance of failure and that this
very approach is destructive in matters of marriage. Such a
failure oriented approach to marriage is not likely to keep the
marriage in tact.
It is the 'child' in the adolescent boy and girl that wanted
to carry on their play and decidied to marry each other. This
'child' did not and cannot think of what other needs are there in
making a marriage a success.
Well, in all ventures there is an element of failure or
success. Even if one fails there, one can try afresh. But mar¬
riage is not one such venture. If you fail once in marriage, you
face doom. There is seldom a chance for trying afresh and even
if you make a fresh approach and fresh life, it cannot stand
itself. So in marriage one cannot take things lightly.
Parents have to bring up the 'elderly' in their children.
They have to be made to think and analyse the risks, the dangers
and the consequences of the marriage that they propose.
The question is how to make the 'elderly' to come out in
your child in love which you don't want.
This had been a billion dollar question even before me when
I ventured to write on this topic. I could only think of and come
up with the following questionnaire for your child to answer. In
fact both the lovers can be asked to answer this and their re¬
plies assessed to find out as to what is the depth of love.
The questionnaire
1. What attracted you towards the other?
The colour of skin
The slim / tall personality
The shapes
The kind of dress that one wears
The mannerisms exhibited
Any other
2. Do you feel the rush of blood whenyou see your lover?
3. Do you feel like putting your arms around him/her?
4. Is your lover similarly placed like you?
Say
both are away from parents
both have step mothers
both are deprived of love from family
both have love for movies, music, art
Any other
5. Have you listed down your
standards and values in life you cherish?
likes and dislikes
Ambitions, dreams and goals
Socialisation and independence aptitudes
food habits, customs, traditions
health problems
short comings like short temper, hate, revenge
sacrifices needed to make adjustments
6. For girls:
What does he expect you to be after marriage?
Does it affect your self standing ability?
7. Do you admire the lover for any of his/her qualities:
for the sympathy he/she expresses for you
For the stroking he/she gives you
For the uprightness, honesty
For the self confidence he/she projects
For the hard work he/she puts in
For the high academic/professional achievements
For the good manners he/she projects
Any other
8. Does your lover
blame anyone for his/her misfortunes
complain` of work/home situations
find people difficult to get along with
enjoy talking about others' personal affairs
smokes or drinks
spend money lavishly
shun conversation at times
admit his short comings
9. What each others family history?
Any quarrels, broken relationships?
10. What is each others financial standing?
11. Whether society in general is in support of your
proposal for marriage?
12. Have you listed who all are for and against the marriage
What does the arithmatic show?
13. Can the love stand the strains of opposition from near
and dear and continue a life of happiness?
14. Can the lover provide you the support and security in
a hostile environment?
15. Can you live a life of dignity under conditions of red
flags all over?
The assessment of answers
1-3.Positive answers to these questions indicate bodily
attraction and the charm would be over once the honey
moon is over.
4-5 While similarities found in Q 4 are so momentary and
are not sufficient to sustain the marriage for long,
the similarities that can be found to Q 5 can sustain it
6. It is preferable that girls retain their self sustaining
abilities and avenues [say employment] and to this
extent boys are expected to respect the financial in-
dependence of girls.
7-8.Answers to 7 and 8 would be useful to assess the quali-
ties of the lovers.
9. The answers provided are to be analysed to find out
whether the lovers are likely to have inherited these
qualities and whether there are possibilities of their
behaving similarly. This question is for checking the
scripts one received from parents/family.
10. Answers to this question are very important.
11- These questions are meant to verify the withstanding
15 abilities of the lovers.
May be parents were able to have the lovers give their
honest answers to the above questions.
May be parents had objectively and meaningfully assessed the
plus and minuses of the proposal.
May be the parents had advised the child to change his/her
mind.
May be they were successful. [Congratulations !]
May be the lovers had still persisted and decided to go
ahead and get married. [Congratulations !]
Now is the stage for the parents to remember the saying:
You are never too old to grow up
Grow up, my dear parent, grow up.
Please remember that marriages break more due to external
hostilities than due to lack of mutual love among the lovers. I
don't want you to preside over the doom of your child's marital
life.
It is you who made the plant to grow. No one who had grown
a tree would go out to cut it down in anger.
What was your goal when yu reared your child? You wanted
him/her to be happy. So he/she is now. Why are you aroused now?
Is it the 'I love you if....' syndrome? Then you are
selfish.
You had made lot of sacrificies. Do one more. Cool down.
Sit down and think. Thing not through your brain. Think through
your heart. It is now time to push your brain aside and give
your heart a chance.
Do you want your child to make a sacrifice now for your
happiness? Have you really grown that selfish?
I am sure you haven't.
You are now an elderly person. If so act elderly.
Go and Bless them. This is the time your child truely needs
your hug and warmth. Please do not hold it.
Children deserve love, when they don't deserve it !
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