Teen agers' love is a mighty weapon
That has divided many a families !
The above reflects the true reality that many families had
witnessed. With children leaving parents for higher studies or
employment it is likely to be on the increase.
Parents have always a list of standards to enforce. They
would always convey 'I love you, if....' Their love to children
is always conditional.
Even when the child was small, parents would hug and kiss
the child if he idoes something that is apreciative. Lest he is
in for punishment.
So this scale of assessment continues even when the child
has grown up.
Children are supposed to marry the person who is approved by
the family elders and family elders would approve only those who
fall within the boundaries they have inherited.
Well, children are permitted to choose their partners who of
course fall within the specified boundaries.
These conditions exist because it is inot that only the
couples would have contacts with the other party. Even the
respective families need to have satisfying interactions and for
this there have to be similarities in views, in customs, food
habits, patterns of speech, place of religious worship, etc.
Otherwise families will not be comfortable in the company of the
other.
Wedding is coming togoether of a male and female, but mar¬
riage is coming together of large number of families for unifica¬
tion. If the latter does not take place, there is no marriage,
only a wedding.
This precisely turns out to be the reason for post-wedding
turbulances and break ups in many love marriages that take place
defying the family norms. In many instances love marriageshave
broken immeidiately after the honey moon. The period of gazing at
each other having been over with the honey moon, the couple are
compelled to look outward and it is there they find host of
oppositions from own relatives, in laws and sometime even from
erstwhile friends. This is the first time they also look at
their own traditional / mutual variations, dissimilarities of
views, etc.
While in love they had generally a better opinion of the
other lover than he/she had desered. They definitely fell in love
with a personality, but they now find that they have to live with
a character. The girls especially realise that the man loved her
only get sex from her.
Now that they know each other well, the love no more exists.
The vows of love, continued love and togethernessis gone.
People fall in love.
The climbing out takes the rest of life !
Many times children in love argue that even traditional and
arranged marriages fail. True, they too fail. But the respective
families feel an obligation to set the matters right and the
affected couple have someone to fall back upon. In fact the
affected couple continue to receive positive strokes/support from
family members. But in failed love marriages, the respective
families feel vindicated and justified and there is hardly any
positive stroke supply.
Furter children have to be told that their above comment
amounts to their acceptance of chance of failure and that this
very approach is destructive in matters of marriage. Such a
failure oriented approach to marriage is not likely to keep the
marriage in tact.
It is the 'child' in the adolescent boy and girl that wanted
to carry on their play and decidied to marry each other. This
'child' did not and cannot think of what other needs are there in
making a marriage a success.
Well, in all ventures there is an element of failure or
success. Even if one fails there, one can try afresh. But mar¬
riage is not one such venture. If you fail once in marriage, you
face doom. There is seldom a chance for trying afresh and even
if you make a fresh approach and fresh life, it cannot stand
itself. So in marriage one cannot take things lightly.
Parents have to bring up the 'elderly' in their children.
They have to be made to think and analyse the risks, the dangers
and the consequences of the marriage that they propose.
The question is how to make the 'elderly' to come out in
your child in love which you don't want.
This had been a billion dollar question even before me when
I ventured to write on this topic. I could only think of and come
up with the following questionnaire for your child to answer. In
fact both the lovers can be asked to answer this and their re¬
plies assessed to find out as to what is the depth of love.
The questionnaire
1. What attracted you towards the other?
The colour of skin
The slim / tall personality
The shapes
The kind of dress that one wears
The mannerisms exhibited
Any other
2. Do you feel the rush of blood whenyou see your lover?
3. Do you feel like putting your arms around him/her?
4. Is your lover similarly placed like you?
Say
both are away from parents
both have step mothers
both are deprived of love from family
both have love for movies, music, art
Any other
5. Have you listed down your
standards and values in life you cherish?
likes and dislikes
Ambitions, dreams and goals
Socialisation and independence aptitudes
food habits, customs, traditions
health problems
short comings like short temper, hate, revenge
sacrifices needed to make adjustments
6. For girls:
What does he expect you to be after marriage?
Does it affect your self standing ability?
7. Do you admire the lover for any of his/her qualities:
for the sympathy he/she expresses for you
For the stroking he/she gives you
For the uprightness, honesty
For the self confidence he/she projects
For the hard work he/she puts in
For the high academic/professional achievements
For the good manners he/she projects
Any other
8. Does your lover
blame anyone for his/her misfortunes
complain` of work/home situations
find people difficult to get along with
enjoy talking about others' personal affairs
smokes or drinks
spend money lavishly
shun conversation at times
admit his short comings
9. What each others family history?
Any quarrels, broken relationships?
10. What is each others financial standing?
11. Whether society in general is in support of your
proposal for marriage?
12. Have you listed who all are for and against the marriage
What does the arithmatic show?
13. Can the love stand the strains of opposition from near
and dear and continue a life of happiness?
14. Can the lover provide you the support and security in
a hostile environment?
15. Can you live a life of dignity under conditions of red
flags all over?
The assessment of answers
1-3.Positive answers to these questions indicate bodily
attraction and the charm would be over once the honey
moon is over.
4-5 While similarities found in Q 4 are so momentary and
are not sufficient to sustain the marriage for long,
the similarities that can be found to Q 5 can sustain it
6. It is preferable that girls retain their self sustaining
abilities and avenues [say employment] and to this
extent boys are expected to respect the financial in-
dependence of girls.
7-8.Answers to 7 and 8 would be useful to assess the quali-
ties of the lovers.
9. The answers provided are to be analysed to find out
whether the lovers are likely to have inherited these
qualities and whether there are possibilities of their
behaving similarly. This question is for checking the
scripts one received from parents/family.
10. Answers to this question are very important.
11- These questions are meant to verify the withstanding
15 abilities of the lovers.
May be parents were able to have the lovers give their
honest answers to the above questions.
May be parents had objectively and meaningfully assessed the
plus and minuses of the proposal.
May be the parents had advised the child to change his/her
mind.
May be they were successful. [Congratulations !]
May be the lovers had still persisted and decided to go
ahead and get married. [Congratulations !]
Now is the stage for the parents to remember the saying:
You are never too old to grow up
Grow up, my dear parent, grow up.
Please remember that marriages break more due to external
hostilities than due to lack of mutual love among the lovers. I
don't want you to preside over the doom of your child's marital
life.
It is you who made the plant to grow. No one who had grown
a tree would go out to cut it down in anger.
What was your goal when yu reared your child? You wanted
him/her to be happy. So he/she is now. Why are you aroused now?
Is it the 'I love you if....' syndrome? Then you are
selfish.
You had made lot of sacrificies. Do one more. Cool down.
Sit down and think. Thing not through your brain. Think through
your heart. It is now time to push your brain aside and give
your heart a chance.
Do you want your child to make a sacrifice now for your
happiness? Have you really grown that selfish?
I am sure you haven't.
You are now an elderly person. If so act elderly.
Go and Bless them. This is the time your child truely needs
your hug and warmth. Please do not hold it.
Children deserve love, when they don't deserve it !
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