We saw earlier that parents life is the child's copy book
and that it is of utmost importance that parents need to project
themselves in a right manner so that children can draw the needed
inspiration from them. So what should be the parent model de¬
serves a special study and understanding. We may with advantage
study this subject with under three topics as under:
Parents need to become Inspirers
The desired parental model
A self modelling checklist
Now let us proceed to study the above topics.
Parents need to become inspirers
We already saw what the human behavioural patterns are, i.e.
the four dimensioned personality of human beings. To recapitu¬
late, the four phases are Child, Adolescent, Parent and the
Elderly. We saw there that there are both negatives and positives
in the first three phases of child, adolescent and the parent.
We specifically noted the following when we studied the above
subject:
"The problems of human life is due to the above negative
characteristics present in men and women and if ony the
world for at least your families can get rid of these nega¬
tive characteristics, you can find relationships smoother
and productive. Once relationships are conducive, you get
the needed support and warm climate in which you can endea¬
vour towads success. The message in this chapter is that
you shed the negatives of child, adolescent and the parent
in you and concentrate on the positives."
In the second chapter titled 'Parents' life is child's copy
book' we saw if parents remain self centred, the children also
become self centred. It was made clear therein that no parents
can teach children about the way of life which they themselves
are not actually following and that if parents themselves are not
serious they can't expect children to be serious about them. So
parents need to understand that
If a child lives with hostility, he learns to fight
If a child lives with criticism, he learns to criticise
If a child lives with justice, he learns to be fair
If a child lives with love, he learns to return the love
If a child lives with praise, he learns to appreciate
If a child lives with encouragement, he acquires confidence
Thus in the above two chapters we saw that the human be¬
haviour in general is a mixture of negatives and positives and if
ia parent wants his children to shape well, he needs to raise his
children in a positive environment. Unfortunately, what is seen
that parents themselves practise negatives but want their child¬
ren to be positive.
In one of the Behavioural training session organised in my
office, the Professor asked the employees present at the training
as to what they consider themselves, 'Ordinary or Extra-
ordinary'. Many employees stated that they are only ordinary.
The Professor then asked the employees as to what their
parents wanted them to be. While a few replied that their
parents did not have much expectations from them, many stated
that their parents wanted them to be extra-ordinary.
The Professor then asked "Well, what you want your children
to be, ordinary or extra-ordinary". Everyone without any moment
of hesitation said they wanted their children to be extra-
ordinary.
The Professor then asked the employees a question. "When
your parents wanted you to be extra-ordinary and when you want
your children to be extra-ordinary, when they are you ordinary?"
None had a reply. They felt the hollowness in their ambition of
what they wanted their children to be.
The Professor then asked his second question. "If you are
yourself ordinary, can you guide your children to be extra-
ordinary?" The employees stated "No."
The above narration should bring home the point that unless
the parents themselves pratise what they wanted their children to
be and unless the parents set themselves as a model, it would be
difficult for them to expect their children to fulfill their
desires and ambitions. Therefore it is necessary that parents
become aware of what the desired parent model is and how they can
shape themselves into a model for their children.
The desired parental model
While it is most welcome that parents play with their child,
they must no more look upon the child as a simple doll to play
with, to get joy and happiness for themselves. They should
realise that their main job is to build the child's future. If
they proceed with this motto in mind they are in for a very
rewarding experience.
Adults do not produce children.
It is children who produce adults.
The very arrival of child in home should make you feel adult
and 'elderly'. It is time to start conducting the life in a more
matured way.
Many parents consider that the job of a parent is to ensure
that they make money available for food, clothes, books and fees
and once they take care of this, the children will grow them¬
selves with all the virtues of life, i.e learning, cleanliness,
courteous behaviour, etc. For them, to be a parent means to
be a banker and a financier.
Sorry . No.
You have to work with the child to achieve these for him.
First and foremost have a good relationship with your
spouse, wife or husband as the case may be. You know children
learn by observing parents. If the child sees his father helping
the mother in household chores, he too would learn and be inter¬
ested to do household jobs. If on the contrary, the father reads
newspapers or hers music while the mother toils, the child too
would learn to be indifferent. Thus parents should learn to help
each other and take efforts to ensure that the child picks up the
message. As already stated the best model a child can have is
parents who respect each other. Ensure happy dealings at home. No
quarrels, no fights, no spankings, no manipulations, no nothing.
Also be a courteous son or daughter to your parents. Be a
social sibling to your brother or sister. Don't predecide how you
should behave with people in the family. You don't have to wear
a tough mask as you arrive home from office. Don't be tough and
don't appear tough. Don't raise your eye brows whenever you ask
the youngsters at home about school work. Many people freeze
their mind and predecide their reactions and function in an
automode. All these are to be avoided and one needs to be in
collaborative energy which alone can make people function at home
with a constructive mood. Look upon yourself as a facilitator
than as an authority. Peel off the mask and be relaxed.
Similarly be a person who offers help to neighbours in times
of their need such as illness, accidents or during any of their
emergencies. Make sure that in helping the neighbour, you also
involve the child so that the child develops considerate feel¬
ings.
In general, be a loving, caring and an affectionate person.
Please put a full stop to bad habits, if any you may have,
like drinking, gambling, worrying, and such other negative be¬
haviours already listed. All your sacrifices are worth it as
nothing ranks in this world higher than rearing children.
Turn a good person and earn peace, tranquility and happiness
to your house. Let your house turn into a Home. Peel away all the
layers of contamination over you.
Have ethics in life, shed prejudices and be aware of what
you are doing.
You do not have to wear a tough mask when you talk to your
wife and children. Don't predecide as to how you should behave
with people at home. Talk pleasantly with your child and get to
know about lessons had by him at school and school assignments
given to him.
Be unstressed. Communicate at home peacefully. Use only
words in your communication and do not build any kind of unpleas¬
ant emotions around the words you use. When you feel bad inside
you, instead of showing a grim face, you can simply say "I feel
offended". Let there be no adjectives while you communicate your
negative feelings. Likewise, instead of getting angry, you can
simply say 'your behaviour annoys me'. For saying this you do
not have to roar and create resentment in others.
Yes, when you brim with pleasant emotions, hug people and
even kiss them. Feel happy at all times and show your pleasant
emotions. There do not simply stop with words and make sure you
surround your words with expression of your pleasant emotions.
Your words are sufficient to communicate negatives and your
emotions need flow only when you want to express positives. These
make definite impact on everyone at home. Your children learn to
behave. Teach them to behave on the above lines.
Modes of behaviour generally get passed down from generation to generation from parents.
Children value those which you value. Good or bad. Have
therefore a choice of behaviour.
Spend your time in sharing with others at home. Spend it in
knowledge acquiring, creative and other developmental activities.
Critical, punishing and cynical parents are never liked by
children. These push your children away from you. With negative
communication, no one can ever build positives in children. These
do not enable children think positively.
Very often your reactions at home are the product of what
anxieties you carry home from your office or factory. When you
leave your work place, make sure you put all your bad experienc¬
es inside your table drawer and lock it for you to unlock and
take over the next day in office, if necessary. For heavens sake
come home with a free mind and with no stored negative feelings.
You may be highly educated, there may be many people to
admire your knowledge. But be lovable too. For others to love
you, you need a congenial behaviour towards them. Be admired for
your knowledge but also be loved and liked for your behaviour. Be
sober and soft.
Be loved and not be loud
Be aware that your child can develop only through your
understanding, intelligence, ideas and assistance, and not
though your expression of negative emotions and feelings. Let
your communication carry no tensions but only happy images. Move
closer to your child, develop personal relationship, behave
intimately, charm the child and be assured of his and your suc¬
cess.
Be a religious personality yourself. Adopt the correct
religion, where
R = Restrain yourself. Have self control; avoid bad
emotions and watch yourself. All virtues consist
basically in controlling one's emotions.
E = Engage in positives and have continued source of
positive energy.
L = Love, affection and care. These are the watch words
with which you can bring up the good side of your
parenthood.
I = Intimacy Development should be your focus, Take spe-
cial steps. Exhibit your love, care and affection.
Children develop intimacy by seeing how you behave
and not by the love you have inside you.
G = Have God oriented approach already explained in the
previous chapter. God helps only those who help
themselves. To repeat, God is nothing but a higher
power of our own. So commission yourself.
I = Inspire the child with your behaviour. Motivate,
channellise and make him creative.
O = Over see and over come. Overcome the aberrations in
the child. Deal with ideas and not though punish
ments. Punishments disable children from thinking
effectively. Punishments make them feel insecure and
tense which affect their learning . The fault no
child ever loses is the one he was punished for.
Some parents curse their children. This is very bad
and needs to be avoided. Never label your child,
as labels dampen their interest. Children's aberra-
ions need be overcome through counselling. We have
a chapter on counselling children later in this
book.
N = Navigate, assist, support and promote. Don't simply
be affectionate without knowing how to assist and
promote. Mere affection will spoil the child. Learn
to channel the child with the help of love and
affection and lead him to success. The on coming
chapters essentially deal with 'how do you navigate
your child'.
Religion means setting models and navigating people through
motivation and inspiration. We have known the success of Jesus
Christ and Gautam Buddha who established their religions without
ever writing a word on paper, for no paper was used in those
days. Yet they have a huge following of disciples with abiding
love even to this day centuries later. They could achieve it and
establish their religions just because they had all the ingredi¬
ents of R-E-L-I-G-I-O-N in them as explained above. You also
follow these characteristics, you are sure to have a wonderful
following by your child.
A self modeling Check list for parents
Well, we have seen above what the 'Parent Model' is. Now it
would be of some help to the paents to provide them with a check
list to verify their own personality to determine whether it is
positive or negative. The following few lines are towads provid¬
ing this check list for the benefit of parents.
I had, in my research and development pursuit, asked many a
parents to tell me as to how they spend their time. Based on the
responses I received, I have grouped them into ten categories as
follows:-
1- Obeying - Obeying people, bosses, spouses, rituals
2- Suffering - Worrying, upset, emotional, impulsive,
frustrated, withdrawn.
3- Bodying - Playing, body building, choosing colours and
dress, making appearances and other physical
maintenance activities.
4- Resting - Killing time, procrastinating, roaming,
browsing news papers, talking politics,
watching T.V.
5- Wanting - Over eating, gambling, smoking, drinking,
sexing, dreaming, jealous, pleasure seeking.
6- Damaging - Quarreling, fighting, abusing, hostile,
arguing, manipulating, angry, critical.
7- Amassing - Hurrying to get rich, acquiring articles,
displaying wealth, power seeking.
8- Scripting - Prescribing, ordering, punishing, ritualising.
9- Stroking - Loving, appreciating, laughing, listening,
caring, developing relationships.
10- Developing - Working, earning, educating, learning, thinking
ð 7 3 Š building, guiding.
Now can you please draw your portrait? Now can you take up a
paper and pencil and write which of the above activities you are
engaged in generally.
Your questionnaire starts here. Answer the following for
yourself and find out what type you belong to.
1- Obeying (Child)
Do you obey elders?
Do you act 'sheep' before your boss/spouse/rituals?
Do you toe your mother to the neglect of your spouse or
vice-versa?
2- Suffering (Child)
How emotional are you?
Do you spend time worrying, withdrawn, etc.?
Do you feel running away from home?
Do you blame others for failure?
Do you continuously focus on unhappy childhood?
Do you have any fears/ guilt feelings in you?
3- Bodying (Adolescent)
What is your focus on your body image?
How conscious are you in projecting your physique?
4- Resting (Adolescent)
How do you spend your time in the evenings?
How much time is spent with newspapers/TV/friends?
Do you ever feel boredom?
5- Wanting (Adolescent)
Are you a pleasure-first-personality?
6- Damaging (Adolescent)
What is your relationship quotient with your
neighbours/colleagues/bosses/spouse/children?
Do you shout/yell/express disgust/raise voice?
Do you have a home torn by arguments?
Are you a never-smile character?
7- Amassing (Adolescent)
What is the cost of your furniture sets at home?
Do you have a show case at home?
Do you have a car which your profession does not need?
Do your children have a conveyance each?
How many rings have you on your fingers?
Are you proud of your children settled abroad?
Are your earnings honest?
8- Scripting (Parent)
Do you always expect your children to follow
your instructions?
Do you prescribe guidelines or strict rules of
discipline for them?
Do you often pump moral percepts into them?
9- Stroking (Parent)
How much care and love you express and display
for people at home?
Do you give love without a price tag?
Do you carry a winning smile along with you?
What is the fun level at your home?
Do you pat, motivate and encourage every one?
Do you treat your spouse, children and others as
'individuals' with their own mind and likes?
10- Developing (Elderly)
What time you get up from bed?
How much time you devote at home for your
own development/constructive work?
Do you crave for activity?
Do you spend time coaching children?
Do you practise strength with ease?
Have you got wit and grace?
Are you a combination of knowledge, good behaviour
and creativity?
Do you take interest in people?
Do people who come to you leave with a feeling of
having learnt something?
Do they see in you a profound courtesy?
The above exercise must enable you to draw up your portrait
as parent. Your honest answers to the above questions should
make you well informed of yourself enable you to identify your personality
give you an awareness as to what and how much of child/Adolescent/Parent/Elderly states you possess give you the needed information to work towards eliminating
your negative characteristics, if any help you to move towards elderly level taking along with you also the positives of child, parent and adolescent states help you to make in you necessary attitudinal change as a prerequisite for making you set a model behaviour for your
child to emulate.
Remember
For you to inspire your child, you have not only to become
a great parent but should also be a great person.
So develop a personal power, not the parent power, in you.
Believe that you can improve yourself.
Take off from you the types 2, 4, 5, 6 and 7 totally;
Adopt types 9 and 10 in full measure; and
Add to that the positives of types 1, 3 and 8.
Do a thorough mental house cleaning. Take the above tools,
chisel out the unwanteds and carve out your own life sculpture.
Achieve mental hygiene and become a NEW YOU !
That is the way to acquiring an inspiring personality in
yourself !
Wish you Good luck in your endeavour !
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