This has been written though a male's eye. That is the
reason for usage of the male pronoun 'he' thoughout this book.
Notwithstanding this, the contents of this book apply both to
male and female children.
But this chapter for a change is meant especially for the
girl children who have more problems and more worries to carry,
considering the traditions by which most families are governed.
God has created females with an initial disadvantage, but
for an eventual advantage. What I refer to here is their
'beauty'.
Every girl child grows and blossoms into a beauty attracting
many especially from among the male group. It is this flower
that attracts many a bee that hang around every day, looking for
the taste of honey.
But unlike flowers, girls who give away the honey stand
condemned for ever in the eyes of our traditions and the
tradition minded people which is what the society is ultimately
composed of.
These days girls receive equal treatment with boys. They
get equal opportunities for going out of home, receiving
education, participating in social events, etc. Still there are
many girls who complain of parental controls for they are still
expected to return home by a particular time, they have to remain
accountable to parents especially to the mother and explain as to
where they went, whom they met, what happened there, etc. etc.
These many times irk the girl children and they feel presence of
'lack of trust' in the minds of parents, especially the mother.
Parents have their tensions and cannot say out plainly what they
have in their minds. They too are infact afraid that their
children should not mistake their questioning as 'lack of trust'.
They are on the other hand afraid that no 'accident' should take
place due to dangers that lurk around. This is in fact a con¬
flict situation where free communication does not take place
between parents and girl children.
Parents, in particular the mother, are by nature anxious
creatures. It is not that they don't trust their daughter. But
they are anxious that nothing untoward should take place. It is
this anxiety in their minds that makes them act like the
investigators.
An investigator is a person whose job it is to suspect any
one and anything. But his object is not to put any one into any
embarrassment or inconvenience. It is similar to the duty of a
watchman. Watchman is a person who has to look with suspicion
any one who approaches the premises he is guarding. He just
cannot afford to leave things to 'trust' and allow people free
access.
Here is a small anecdote. A person went for an interview
for the post of watchman. He was thin and looking sleepy. The
Board after examining him told him that they need a person who is
a little fat, who does not sleep and who suspects anything that
goes around. He told them '....then sir, I shall send my wife.'
The above anecdote amply explains that women by nature
suspect, even needlessly at times, about things that happen
around and men generally are not that suspectful. They are
sleepier than women. This is the reason why mothers are more
anxious about their daughters while the fathers are busy reading
newspapers.
Any person who is worried about safety, would always look
for possible danger signals and that is the way mothers
function. That is so because they know what the consequences are
of anything untoward that might happen.
Even where the mother collects the courage to discuss
frankly the issues involved, the girl children generally come out
with 'Don't worry Mamma. Do you think I am a child? I know it
all and I assure you that nothing would go wrong.'
In such situations parents are left with the only option of
responding 'OK, my dear. I only want you to be careful' and
feel content with that.
Yes, one can be careful to avoid 'accidents'. But accidents
also occur due to the acts of commissions and omissions on the
part of others, notwithstanding your exercise of caution. This
is what parents have to essentially communicate to their daugh¬
ters. There are many male adolescents who want to cause
'accidents' and who feel a thrill in dreaming wrong.
Freedom! Who does not like freedom? Freedom is really
beautiful and enjoyable. Freedom to move with all people,
freedom from time limitations, freedom to go anywhere, freedom to
stroll wherever you want without the fear of thieves, robbers and
eve teasers is a very good thing. We would all like to leave our
doors and windows open to let the free flow of breeze pass
through our homes. But we are obliged to keep them closed and
feel the suffocation only to avoid mosquitoes and thieves.
For anything in this world, we may have to pay a price. So
is the case with freedom. Freedom too has a price and if one
wants to be free, he would have to pay the price for it one day.
And the 'price of freedom' we are talking of here in this chapter
is very high .
Parents have to communicate not only their anxieties, but
also the needed guidelines to 'help' their daughters identify
people with wrong ideas in their minds. To me it appears that
the girls have to be alert to the guys from the following angles:
1. Viewers: Guys who get attracted by the girls and
behave differently. Some stare at the girl
at her eyes, at her body etc. Some others
intermittently look at her, only to take
away their eyes when she makes the eye
contact.
2. Impressors: Guys who try to impress by their appearance
and style. Guys who make jokes and who make
her laugh. Guys who slowly introduce
subject of 'sex' in their jokes.
3. Space Guys who come closer, sit closer and who
reducers: 'accidentally' touch her, but say 'sorry'.
4. Hang Guys who make themselves 'present' and
arounds: 'visible' wherever she goes and who feign
'accidentaly' meeting her.
5. Fencers: Guys who develop friendship and who make
'presents' to fence her. Also guys who talk
about her dress, hair style and make up.
Parents have to tell their daughters about the guys of the
above kind. The guys could be of any age. Once she observes the
presence of the above traits, she should be careful about them.
In summary, spinsters should
- develop their own time schedules to reach home
- identify places to be avoided
- identify kinds of dresses that attract guys
- avoid seductive make up
- avoid acceptance of gifts
- avoid letting people into the house when she is alone
- maintain her personal space between herself and other
males
- start thinking in terms of polite avoidance when she is
confronted with wrong guys and wrong situations.
- autonomy can be sought from parental control if they
continue to be accountable to
one's time
one's goals
one's threats
one's traditions and values
one's growth and progress
Parents are not at all trying to strangulate their daughters
by exercising control over them and they are not averse to grant¬
ing the autonomy to them. But what the children need understand
is that giving autonomy to children does not mean
permission to commit mistakes; and
abdication by parents
The anxiety behind parental controls over grown up girls concerns
their daughter's "safety" and it can be reasonably taken for
granted that girls too are interested in their "safety". The
goal of both parents and their daughter being the same, what
parents are concerned is there should be no compromise on goal
attainment while they give the autonomy.
In Management, there is a concept of delegation, which is
nothing but granting autonomy to a subordinate to do his job in
his own way. But every delegation is accompanied by a need to
give the delegator a feedback of what has been done and achieved.
Similar is the case of grant of autonomy at homes also.
Children seeking autonomy should make it a practice of where did
they go and what did they do during the period of autonomy.
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