Every parent shuld be a good dardner to ensure their plants
[children] grow well.
What does the gardner do to make the garden yield good
results?
He prepares the ground
He ensures he buys good seeds
He plants the seeds with adequat gap
He waters the seeds and then the plants
He applies manure
He cuts and prunes the plants
He removes the unwanted growth around
He harvests the yield
Now as parents in charge of growing children, parents have
to do a similar thing. Parents have
to prepare the ground for the child birth by gearing up
themeslves emotionally and financially and also by readying
the partner
to ensure that the seed is good. That is made possible by
making the child bearing mother emotionally stable and
physically healthy
to ensure adequate time gap between children's birth
to feed the child with food, water and stroking to ensure
proper growth
to manure the child through motivation and encouragement
to cut and prune by proper scripting and correcting aberra-
tions
to remove unwanted growth in the child and remove the weeds
This is to be done by counselling.
This chapter is devoted to counselling erring children.
This chapter is important in the wake of what is other practised
by parents. In many homes, when parents find their children
getting misdirected and acquire unwanted traits parents are first
seen to worry or complain/lament to spouse or other friends about
the child who of course share the concern of the complaining
parent. On some other occasions the parents might be wondering as
to what to do.
Somewhere the parents might take up the issue with the
children lecturing to the child who is already fed of lectures
from teachers. In fact no one wants to listen to lectures. What
many citizens do when the country's President comes on TV to
deliver a lecture on a National Day? Many citizens are seen to
change the channel or put off the TV. In a similar psychology,
the child also turns off his ear to the lecturing
parent.
Sometimes the emotions may erupt and the parents might rise
to communicate a bit of their mind ending up in quarrels and high
blood pressure on both sides with little imrovement to child
behaviour.
If we just review the above approaches, we can find the
following:
Parents' avoidance - I am not OK, he is not ok
Parents' complaining - I am ok, he is not ok
Parents' lecturing - I am ok, he is not ok
Parents' shouting - I am ok, he is not ok
The above approaches to resolving conflicts do not work
because they start with fault finding and pre-supposes that the
child is not ok. He may be not ok, but letting that know to the
other party affects the chances of success.
The scientific method to approach the adolescent is coun¬
selling. Counselling is neither advising nor firing. It is just
counselling. Let us see how it is to be put into practise.
The first step in counselling is to identify the positive
aspects in the adolescent. Well counselling is towards removal of
the negative behaviour present in the child. But we need to
start with certain positives present in the child. Hence it is
necessary to think and identify what positive aspects are present
in the child. May be he is good in studies, but bad in behaviour.
May be he is good in games, bad in studies. May be he is good in
taking care of his external appearance but bad in relationships.
Well, if parents take time to think about the positives present
in the adolescent, it is not difficult to identify a few aspects.
What is important in this regard is to note down the positive
aspect of the adolescent in specifics. For example, it is not
sufficient to note down his positives as a good player in crick¬
et, but to recall and note down the specific good runs scored by
him or the number of catches by him in the recently held few
matches.
The second step in counselling is diagnosis. In diagnosing
the the negative behaviour in the adolescent which the parents
want to correct, they need to note it down as a 'concern area',
and not to term it as a 'misbehaviour'. Here again we need to
note down the concerns in specifics, such as he does not come
home earlier than 2030 hrs or he has been scoring consistently
low marks in mathematics, etc.
The third step in counselling is to change the concern area
into positive expressions. If you had identified the concern
area as not reaching home before 2030 hrs in the evenings, con¬
vert it into an expression of 'he should be back at home by 1930
hrs.' If the concern area is 'he is scoring low marks in Mathe¬
matics' convert it into a positive expression of 'he needs to
enhance his marks to 50% in mathematics'. If the concern area is
the child is not studying at evenings, convert it into an expres¬
sion of he needs to study between 2030 hrs to 2200 hrs.
The fourth step in counselling is to take an appointment
with the child or adolescent for conference. Parents need to
intiate the discussion as
'Bete, I have a few points to discuiss with you.
When can we do that?'
The response of the child would be 'Any time, Dad'.
'Can we make it at 9 p.m. today?'
'Oh sure'
Now the parent has already won half the battle for he had
had the commitment of the child to listen to him. The child
would be thinking of 9 p.m. appointment throughout the day and he
would be 'available' to the parent on dot.
By your above approach, you have treated him as an adult and
conveyed your respect for his time and convenience. More impor¬
tantly you have adopted a 'I am ok; you are ok' approach. What
your child liked most in the transaction was that there was no
'you are not ok' content in the approach of the parent. It is
that approach of yours that has made you win the first round.
The fifth step now. The clock strikes nine and both you and
your child have already 'arrived' on the scene. Well he may have
his anxieties and you may have yours. But on your part, be
relaxed and try your best to make him feel relaxed too.
'So bete, how was the day?' you start casually.
'Fine, Dad, Fine'
'Was there any match today? You must have scored well.'
'Sorry Dad, I scored a blob in today's game'.
Oh, never mind, never mind. That happens some time. I know
you score good runs and in the last September tournament, you
made me proud of you. You did all the scoring and I was being
congratulated by the neighbour. Wasn't it odd, Madan?'
No Dad, but for your encouragement, I would not have made it
at all.
No, No, I tell you, you are a talented boy and you can
definitely rise to greater heights.
Thank you Dad.
I want you to make similar achievements in studies as well.
I will Dad.
What plans you have for that?
I propose to study more.
How do you do that, when you come home very late in the
evenings?
No Dad, I propose to come home a bit earlier and devote
sometime for studies too.
I would love that, Madan. Can you make it to reach home by
7 p.m. so that you can devote sometime for studies, say sometime
between 8 to 10 p.m.?
I think I should.
Now that is counselling !
Have you observed as to how the discussion went on?
It started with positives in the child;
Had all the encouragers;
Made the child feel highly comfortable and proud;
Even when the subject switched over, both felt comfortable;
The parent opted to put questions, than to make advices'
The questions put were open ended like 'what plans you have'
The session was not grilling nor interrogatory in nature;
The session was fact seeking and stimulative.
Thus for counselling to be effective, parents should keep
the atmosphere relaxed, positive and motivating and put open
ended and guided questions. The beauty of counselling is that
both the parties talk at 'elderly level' and no one had any
interest in asserting themselves. More importantly, there was no
'not ok' projection from either side.
The above conversation is only an example. The discussions
would be smooth if parents get themselves trained in counselling.
Even most difficult situations can be effectively tackled through
effective counselling, the basic guidelines being as already
explained above. Some additional help-points are as under:
When the child expresses some anxieties or difficulties, parents need reflect their concern, appreciate his problems, and ask what they can do to help him to achieve the goal.
Make sure no emotions surface from either end. If there are outbursts from his end, don't take it personally. Touch him, pat him and convey you are there to his support.
Encourage the child to talk freely. You simply listen withpositive expressions.
Become a friend than be authoritative.
Educate on the risks of what he is doing. State your concerns in friendly tone.
Draw up a contract [He should be home by 7 p.m.]
Counselling if properly done, can never fail with our child¬
ren. You know they are always with you. Only you will have to be
with them.
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